Moody

I’ve always been a sensitive person.  I do a pretty good job of hiding it unless I’m around one of the very few people I love dearly.  I’m finding my moods lately to be a bit ridiculous… enough to send people running.  I don’t want people to treat me differently, but I do want them to realize that when I get upset over something small (for example), it should be quickly forgiven.  I don’t mean to be a moody mess.  I wish I had better control of it.  The fact is, I don’t… and I need those around me to be a little more understanding than usual.

Regret

The last time I saw my father was over the Christmas holidays.  After a good 8-9 days together, we spent a nice long ride to the airport visiting together… and then sealed it with a hug and kiss on the curb.  The last time I talked to him on the phone, we were discussing their upcoming vacation and having a laugh about his recent interactions with my friends (who were also going to the same resort at the same time).  Plus, I had called to report that I had successfully installed my new programmable thermostat by myself… he always liked that I didn’t shy away from technical stuff like my sisters do, so he was pleased to hear this.  Our last emails were filled with pictures and tales about their vacation… as well as our usual banter about computer nerd stuff.  He used the term druthers at one point, which cracked me up… I responded with, “What on earth are druthers?”… and of course I got a full explanation.  A lot of people who have lost a loved one regret their last few interactions, but fortunately I can’t say that I do.

I am not regret-free, though.  The day before he passed away and the day of (before I knew), I was whining and moaning to anyone who would listen to me about a rut I was in.  Sick of my job… sick of my activities… sick of everything.  I was a bit mopey and certainly not pleasant to be around.  That day I decided I would try out a new hobby to mix things up a bit… and I also decided that I would spend some time over spring break working on getting out of my rut.  Then I got home and got the phone call…

Now I feel like a complete ass for worrying about such stupid things.  How petty and self-centered am I?  And, although it sounds crazy, I feel like my dad passing away was a punishment for me.  I spent two days complaining about my life because I was bored… now I’m being shown what a real problem feels like.  I know it’s silly.  At the same time, I can’t help but wonder why a perfectly healthy and wonderful man was taken away from us suddenly.  Unfortunately, I’m finding it way too easy to blame myself at this point.

My Mom’s Grief

I love my mom dearly, but I cannot understand her.  I know that everyone grieves differently… I respect that.  However, she’s making it really difficult for the rest of us to deal with this tragedy.  I sat here for some time writing out everything she’s been doing to belittle my grief, but I decided it didn’t need to be published.  (However, I’m glad I got it out of me.)  I’m sad that she won’t allow anyone to connect with her… that she is using the “my grief trumps all” excuse to push people away.  I am not going to challenge her, but I hope that it’s only a phase.  It sucks that I can’t tell my mom how much I miss my dad.

The Eulogy

My mom informed my sisters and I that she wanted at least one of us to speak at my father’s funeral service.  I was very angry with her for putting that kind of pressure on us.  I had tossed around the idea of saying something prior to this, but wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to write it… and definitely not strong enough to deliver it.  While I was upset that I felt forced to do it and didn’t have enough time to prepare it, I decided to put my selfishness aside.  In the end, I’m glad that I did it… I would have regretted not paying tribute to the man who made me what I am today.

Through tears and a squeaky “I’m trying not to completely lose it” voice, here’s what I said:

The fact that you’re all here is a testament to what a wonderful man my father was.  But to his girls, he was much more than that… he was the center of our universe.  He did so much for us – he was always our “go to” guy.  He loved being in that role.  When he came to visit us he was greeted with a long project list, which kept him happily busy for the whole week while we whisked Mom away to the mall.  All you ever had to do was mention you were just thinking of buying something new like a camera, and he quickly passed along more research than you could possibly use to help guide your purchase.  My sister once made the mistake of buying a vacuum cleaner without consulting him and she never heard the end of it.  We turned to my dad for advice, repairs, research, guidance, and support on so many things.  We didn’t always like his answers, but we knew he was always right.

My dad had a lot of interests and talents.  He was an avid golfer who loved his golfing buddies as much as he loved the game.  He was also a good cook.  Many of his recipes had the term “Dad’s World Famous” in front of the actual recipe name.  It was a self-awarded title, but usually deserved.  My dad was the biggest Ohio State Buckeye fan ever.  We learned early on to avoid the house whenever the Buckeyes played football.  Our mild-mannered father usually spent those few hours screaming at the tv at the top of his lungs.  We also loved to watch movies together as a family.  At Christmas, he would come home with a huge stack of videos for us to watch.  I could never tell if he really had the worst taste in movies, or if he just had fun watching our reactions as he tortured us with his selections.

My dad meant so much to so many people over the years.  He was a good friend to many, a fair and respected boss, an involved member of the community, and a loving and dedicated family man.  My dad was someone I always looked up to.  He was smart, honest, kind, and had a great sense of humor.  Nobody can ever compare to him or fill his shoes.  My dad will continue to influence me and guide me in all that I do.  He will be greatly missed by us all, but he will always be with us in our fond memories and in our hearts.

The Purpose

I decided that writing through this personal tragedy might help me cope a little better.  However, it didn’t seem right to simply mix it in with my usual babble on snarkykitten.com.  I don’t know how much or how long I’ll write here… it’s more of an experiment at this point.  This isn’t really for anyone but me.  Of course, all are welcome to read or comment on my thoughts here.  But if this isn’t your thing, I understand.  It isn’t really my thing, either… until recently.