The last time I saw my father was over the Christmas holidays.  After a good 8-9 days together, we spent a nice long ride to the airport visiting together… and then sealed it with a hug and kiss on the curb.  The last time I talked to him on the phone, we were discussing their upcoming vacation and having a laugh about his recent interactions with my friends (who were also going to the same resort at the same time).  Plus, I had called to report that I had successfully installed my new programmable thermostat by myself… he always liked that I didn’t shy away from technical stuff like my sisters do, so he was pleased to hear this.  Our last emails were filled with pictures and tales about their vacation… as well as our usual banter about computer nerd stuff.  He used the term druthers at one point, which cracked me up… I responded with, “What on earth are druthers?”… and of course I got a full explanation.  A lot of people who have lost a loved one regret their last few interactions, but fortunately I can’t say that I do.

I am not regret-free, though.  The day before he passed away and the day of (before I knew), I was whining and moaning to anyone who would listen to me about a rut I was in.  Sick of my job… sick of my activities… sick of everything.  I was a bit mopey and certainly not pleasant to be around.  That day I decided I would try out a new hobby to mix things up a bit… and I also decided that I would spend some time over spring break working on getting out of my rut.  Then I got home and got the phone call…

Now I feel like a complete ass for worrying about such stupid things.  How petty and self-centered am I?  And, although it sounds crazy, I feel like my dad passing away was a punishment for me.  I spent two days complaining about my life because I was bored… now I’m being shown what a real problem feels like.  I know it’s silly.  At the same time, I can’t help but wonder why a perfectly healthy and wonderful man was taken away from us suddenly.  Unfortunately, I’m finding it way too easy to blame myself at this point.